No time to explain get in the wood chipper
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good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”
Him: What’s in your secret sauce?
Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*Him: I knew it tasted weird.
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
These are too funny not to post 😂
I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.