Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.
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Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
oh ffs josh did you not read the email