Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty
Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!
(Line goes dead)
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I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
Me: I’m so bored.
Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?
Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did
Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
My blood type is b hungry.
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*
[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.