Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
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The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?