If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
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My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
Some days you just feel like a hotel microwave. You’re here, but you don’t have enough power to actually do anything.
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.
15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.
Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!
15: Uhhh…what?
Me: Never mind.
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
[hs reunion]
JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital