I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat
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I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.
Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.
New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.
canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
had to make it
I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.