I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
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So the ex texted me
*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*