Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
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“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?
Girl: I will literally **kill** you
Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout
Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh
Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.