My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
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I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.
If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
I know you have good intentions, but it’s cruel to set a Roomba free. For one, they’re raised in captivity and don’t have the skills to survive outside. And for two, nature abhors a vacuum.
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
HER: DM me later, okay?
ME: Okay.
*later*
ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.
[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.