Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
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my one true gender
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.