the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths
You Might Also Like
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
Stop sending me this shit.
Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch