Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
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Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Bride: [fuming]
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up