[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
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7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
[googling]
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
4: no
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful