Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…
Me: That IS self control
Dietician: how?
Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut
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The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
huge if true: the moon
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?
Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?
You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?
*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.
BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.