For those that worship cheese..
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Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?
me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
Why I divorced her.
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.