Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
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Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
Hey Fun Fact:
Remember that “You Wouldn’t Steal A Car” anti-piracy ad? The guy who wrote the music for that ad was never paid for their work
This Fun Fact™ brought to you by:
Stealing — It’s Okay If You’re A Corporation!
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
I resolve to stop wasting time on Twitter in 2̵0̵1̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵3̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵4̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵5̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵6̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵7̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵8̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵9̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵3̵ 2024
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
Adultry does not sound fun at all
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
is it earth
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.