This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!
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It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
Cndnsd Mlk
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
😍😂🥰😂😍
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.