[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
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A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
Everyone’s family
me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval
date: that seems like a lot
me: parking garage actually
date: what
me: what
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How鈥檚 the water temperature?
[Water so hot it鈥檚 scalding my scalp]
Me: It鈥檚 fine
I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And that was the worst part.
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 馃槉
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
When news reporters do sports stories
I鈥檓 digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
Doctor: You have emphysema
Batman: How?
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman:
Doctor:
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
Netflix My bladder
馃
Streaming on demand
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place