I like donuts.
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Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.
OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.
REALIST: A train.
TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour
Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
when u come home smelling like another dog
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed