Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
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GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
Good boy 😂😂
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
GOD: They scared enough?
ANGEL: Not yet
GOD: You got Trump running?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Hurricane?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”
A wise man once said nothing.
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
How can you tell when a duck is a witch?