I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
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The year is 1997. Your Tamagotchi is thriving. You just set a new personal best with your Bop It. Your mom packed Dunkaroos in your lunch. Everyone at school wants to be your friend. Life is good.
The year is 2020. You just found out Dunkaroos are coming back. Life is good.
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup
Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.
I can also cook 😂
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.
No one:
Me: “The word “Militia” just sounds like Sean Connery saying the name Melissa.”
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*
Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince
Jesus steals the winter solstice
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.