i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
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Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
Do not steal food from the science building!
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
A leaf blower, but for people.
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.
Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning