I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
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when nothing goes right… go left
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know