dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
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prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.
Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
It’s an epidemic…
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?
I like my <plural noun> like I like my <noun>. <adjective>, <adjective>, and <adjective>.
(I am tired today so this is a DIY tweet)
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
What the hell happened in there??