11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
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The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
(before ceiling fans were invented)
*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*
Narrator: There has to be a better way…
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
What an awful time to have common sense.
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”
The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.
“Can I help you?”
“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
@funTweeters I am at your service….
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
are they though??
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi