If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
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Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert
ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist
“When can you come in for an interview?”
ME: I’m flexible
There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.
I pray every night that I never become religious…
My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of
❤️🦆
Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself