Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
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Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
People always ask me why there’s a chair in my shower. Who the hell eats chili standing up?
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them
[camping]
Her: *pointing* What’s that?
Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears
H: *tuts*
M: We’re safe as long as it’s there
H: Right…
*later – cut to me eating the sammich*
*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*
M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”
While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…