No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
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Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”
i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
From my Mom
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?