My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
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Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him
I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
Aaaa…CHOO!
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children