Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
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“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
OH. COME. ON.
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
live long and prosper!
[inventing worcestershire sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.