Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
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Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
I saw a commercial for the movie The Exorcism and I’m jealous of that devil’s spine crack.
Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.
kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum
mom: who?
kid: grandma. she’s coming back
mom: honey grandma died years ago
[urn falls off mantle]
mom: get the—
kid: —vacuum?
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
7: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
Dearest Emma,
The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.
Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.
War is hell.
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.
Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.