If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
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Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.
Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either