Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
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A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
Oh boy, $150,000!
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff
me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?
mom:
me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
reduce, reuse, recycle
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead