As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
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COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on
Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??
What about that really cool hashtag we made?
They didn’t free them when they saw it??
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
I like doormats that say ‘Welcome’ but they don’t go far enough. I want a trail of doormats saying ‘Welcome’, ‘How was your journey?’, ‘Can I take your coat?’, ‘How’s the family?’, ‘Well, it’s getting late’ and ‘Thanks for coming’. Automate the whole process of entertaining.
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?
CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf
the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.