Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
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Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.
Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.
Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.
Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
Important reminders
6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.
I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed