Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol
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God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
A: Sorta
Q: Will you get naked?
A: Yes
HIRED!
SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it
[a light glows in the corner]
ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?
8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June