Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
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Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing*flash forward*
Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.