Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
You Might Also Like
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
When I retire I’m going to run from office.
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.