I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
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I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.