Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
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My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house
Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
is this store having a stroke wtf
Need WebMD
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
Sister: You need more friends
Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me
Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven
Me: Haha that is classic Carol
“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.