Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
You Might Also Like
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
Who’s your best friend?
*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?
[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
January has been Januweary
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.
Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.
5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.
Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?
Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.
me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes
my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.
the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.