*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
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Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*
*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
i now pronounce you bounced.
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart
10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*
“Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?” he asks.
“What’s a matter baby?” I ask.
I’m shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well; objects within the event horizon are drawn inextricably to it.
“Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?”