After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
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Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*
Great!
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
Nothing makes me get up faster than my 6yo walking by me with a bottle of Elmer’s glue.
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in
I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
[Therapy]
Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”
Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.