Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
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kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
philosophical skeletons be like
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
PC: You quit improperly.
ME: You froze.
PC: Next time quit properly.
ME: I didn’t quit.
PC: You lost your data.
ME: YOU lost my data.
PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft?
ME: That you fucked up?
PC: That’s not how it’ll read.
ME *reboots
PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.