A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
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Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.ME IN 2022:
Oh.
ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.