Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
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It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
In Canada they just call them geese
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them
ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple
Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.