Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
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[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.