me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
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-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
That’s easy for you to say
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately
Cats must think we’re so weird for constantly harvesting their poop.
Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
Yup
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
peak technology
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.