If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
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It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.
LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman
Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?