When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
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Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s
I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?
Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.